Next season please!

     You know there are just some seasons in life where you spend a lot of time wondering when this season will end and the next one will begin. I am there. Sigh.  I don't want to be here. I am not the most patient person in the world, so waiting and watching and savoring is sometimes difficult for me. I am a Martha. No doubt about it. When you see me I am mostly likely fixing, planning, or organizing several things at once. I used to do this flawlessly. What happened? I can't seem to keep all the balls in the air anymore.  Recently as I have spent time pouring out my heart before the Lord and really straining to listen, I have heard Him say over me to "do less, and be more". I am trying. Lord help me, I am trying. And all the while, resting like the Lord has told me to do, I am struggling with immense feelings of guilt over my being and not doing. I am also a little frustrated that I do not seem to be as graceful at this being thing as Mary was when she sat at Jesus' feet. Isn't it just like the enemy to rear his ugly head when God is trying to do a good work? You see, in all of this sitting before the Lord, I know He is preparing me for something big. Something radical. He told me so. He said over me to  "quit playing and starting living like you mean it". Ouch. That stung a little. 
      Four years ago our lives changed dramatically overnight. Our oldest son (our only child at the time) was diagnosed with a chronic illness that requires attention multiple times a day, everyday...forever.  We have not slept an entire night through since. I look at my husband and I see the strain this has taken on our relationship with each other, our family dynamics, and our relationship with God. In this midst of this God surprised us with a baby girl. She kept me sick my entire pregnancy and on bed rest. She came early and spent the first two weeks of her life in the neonatal intensive care unit. She keeps me on my toes and in the tissues crying to the Lord for help daily on how to raise her.  We also have a family member who now lives with us and some crazy financial blows that have hit. Did I mention I want this season to end?  And yet, God is speaking to me that He is preparing to take us to a place with Him that will blow our minds. My husband and I are actually praying about a couple of very specific things we feel God may be leading us toward. Some days lately, I feel like I don't know much. And this afternoon, I was reminded of this song (courtesy my iPod). No matter what I don't know, there is one thing I do know. When I feel alone and frustrated and wish someone would encourage me, I will remember this song.

One Thing I Know by Selah

Something in your eyes I see
Reminds me of what used to be
When I was still uncertain of the truth
Sleepless nights that turn to days
Alone inside an endless maze
Counting on someone to see me through
[ Lyrics frome_thing_i_know.html ]
If there's one thing I know, 
You are never left alone
'Cause You can always call on Jesus' name
If there's one thing I pray, 
It's Jesus helps you find a way
To make a change and listen to Your heart
God will take away your pain
If you choose to let it go
If there's one thing I know

How can I convince your heart
His light can find you in the dark
And only He can make your blind eyes see
For if we speak of lost things found
Of lives that have been turned around
Then tell me who knows better, child, than me?

I would never stake my life on any lesser thing
Than the cross of Christ where he gave His life to ease my suffering.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

I wish I'd known this before this morning. I would've pulled you out into the hallway and prayed over you. But consider it being done right this minute and in the weeks to come!!