7/9/09

Pushing Past Myself

So last week, I had the opportunity to spend a few days in the hospital. I am a nurse in a busy emergency room and was actually at work when it happened. I passed out and the next thing I knew my fellow nurses were taking care of me and giving me the good once over. All details aside, it looks like this pregnant girl had some low blood and electrolyte levels and more than likely the mild heart condition that I have was acting up as well. They took great care of me during my time there. I only work weekends, so I have spent the past week trying to be calm, still, rested, and quiet so that I will be ready to go back this weekend.

Very hard for me to do.

During this time, I have been talking a lot to God and listening to some of my favorite Bible teachers, and really listening. I wonder if God helped me to my knees (literally) to remind me that I need to spend more quality time with Him.

I cried myself to sleep last night thinking of my boy going back to school in a few weeks. I've had the privilege of homeschooling him this past year. And our year was such a tumultuous year for us, that I so regret that I didn't invest more in our time together. I sobbed as I laid my head on the pillow and begged God to forgive me for allowing myself to fall into a pit of depression this past year. For you see, I didn't want our situation to change. I didn't want the diagnosis of diabetes. I didn't want to leave my job and thus our church family. Things were good and they were comfortable.

But God had other plans. And He told us to go, so we did. With no plan and no idea what it would be like.

In the past year, I have been up, down, and all around in my spiritual life and with my emotions. I went from being a church leader to someone who felt like an Israelite grumbling in the desert and wondering where in the world this journey was headed. And even a time or two just wishing to go back to "the way it was" even if that wasn't God's will for our family.

But this past year has been such a growing experience. We are at a new church filled with wonderful people who are trying to live this life out before our God - just like me. We are being filled and challenged to pour out what we are being filled with. It's a good thing. I am still struggling with my place and my role and where I need to be serving and what that service should look like. But God will work all that out in His time.

I've gone back to working as a nurse. Which I am really enjoying, but it sure is challenging me in so many ways. Plus, being pregnant on top of that. This was not a planned pregnancy by us, but God has a plan in it. And we are excited to welcome a girl into our family in a few months!

I do feel overwhelmed at times. I miss the "comfort" of last year. This year has been hard, but I am learning that hard doesn't always = bad. In the hard times we grow and learn and our inhibitions and baggage can be stripped away and laid down. In the difficult times, we begin to let go of preconceived notions and legalistic ideas and focus on what's really important. I guess in all reality, I wouldn't trade this last year for anything. I am just praying that I can begin to see the blessing and beauty that will come from the pain. But even if not, I will still praise my God.

These verses have been put before me this week. Ones that I have heard and read and spoken many times before. However, I never ceased to be amazed at how God's beautiful words still speak a fresh word to me each time I read or hear them.

~"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me".
-2 Corinthians 12:8-9

~"Should you then seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them". - Jeremiah 45:5

~"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

May you be blessed today no matter where you are on the journey,
Paige




1 comment:

:) Tracie said...

Isn't it amazing the way The Lord works?! No matter what the struggle and the situation, there's always a plan. I don't like it sometimes, but oh well, there's something I need from it and He'll show me what in His own time too.
That's my struggle lately. Drifting and floating along, not wanting to submit and being too stubborn to surrender. I'm shifting though, but it's a little difficult and I know He'll guide me wheather I comply or not....and I don't want to fight any longer! Sometimes the day to day just overwhelms and there's SO much to deal with, but I know in Him I'll be so much better. (I just wish I understood His time frame sometimes)

Glad to hear things are looking up for you, take it easy and rest so that you have a good shift this weekend!